The End is Nigh...Again! (But this time we really mean it.) Now Published


Just wanted to congratulate you on writing the funniest book I've read so far, I don't think I've ever enjoyed a book as much as I enjoyed yours!!

I just want to say that your book is fantastic! and I've never been a jw (just pretended to be one once) :p I have never laughed so much reading a book!! :D

This book is so full of interesting information, once you've started to read the first page, it's very difficult to stop.

Love, Love, Love, the book and your writing style♥ I recommended it to a group of 8 women from Ireland...

I highly recomend Douglas's book......its a thoroughly enjoyable read!! :)

I loved this book........its a great read for any ex witnesses out there......Douglas`s writing style is fabulous and most people here will be able to relate to Dougs upbringing....hilariously funny as well as heart breakingly sad . 5 stars from me

OMG, I nearly just drowned myself in the tub...laughing at your book. My hubby thought I'd gone off the deep end (no pun intended). This is the best fun I've had in a while :D

Hi Douglas! I read your book in one day. I loved it! I laughed a lot at many parts of your story and can relate so much on what it is like to grow up JW. You put it so wonderfully ...

I've just received your book in the post last night. So far I've read 2.5 chapters...Gordon, I am in stitches. So, so funny!!! I love the references at the bottom. I can't help but LOL. My son thinks I'm going crazy :)

Love, love, love the book. The description you give of the creation account in Genisis is hysterical. I especially love the part where you recognise that God must have been a confirmed batchelor.

Monday, 24 May 2010

Sample from Chapter 3, Sin, Sex and Self Abuse. (Watch out for the footnotes.)

At some indistinct point before the arrival of my teenage years, the Jehovah’s Witness society released a book designed to assist every young witness in all matters of their faltering salvation. The creative writing department had proudly and originally named it “The Youth Book” and typical of the society’s literature, it was unnecessarily thick and stuffed to the hilt with boredom. Thus, having met the required criteria, it became the natural study choice for our Tuesday evening meeting.
It was released during one of our large assemblies where thousands of eager witnesses gathered to hear the latest revised date for the end of the world from the society. In a moment of perverse generosity Dad bought us all a copy and as I thumbed through the pages I noted that for the most part they exhorted young people to be good Christians, to preach the good news rather than to marry, to preach the good news rather than to go to university (1) along with many other practical suggestions aimed solely at swelling the rank and file of the faith. There was one chapter, however, that particularly caught my eye. Its theme was that of sex and self-abuse, and was filled with many practical ways in which the witness youth could avoid partaking of those evil practices.
“That’s going to be an interesting evening.” I thought to myself, as undoubtedly did every other witness the world out. As it turned out, I wasn’t at all wrong.
I have to admit that before the release of the ‘Youth Book’ I wasn’t really interested in sex and was completely oblivious of what masturbation was all about. I had heard people calling one another ‘a wanker’, but hadn’t really understood its meaning. For me it was just another one of those prohibited words that people used in public and the witnesses used out of earshot of everyone except, of course, God.
So it came as quite a revelation to me when, during the Tuesday book study and with all ages present, we began to plumb the murky and distinctly icky depths of just how the society viewed self-abuse. Of course, much of the language used in the book was deliberately cryptic, for example, when they needed to mention the penis or, heaven forbid, the vagina, they would use their favourite biblical expression which was to call them ‘the bodily members’. Although the majority of us had an idea of what they were referring to, it did tend to confuse the very youngest amongst us who would immediately start to examine their fingers in a new and guilt ridden way.
This none descript wording was brutally clarified, however, through the subsequent references made to some of the most sexually graphic scriptures contained in the bible. Leviticus described, for example, the undeniably colourful yet gruesome activities performed by those who would certainly not inherit the kingdom. To list them in brief, there were the adulterers, (2) the fornicators, (3) the men who lay with men, (4) the men who lay with beasts, (5) along with a plethora of other repugnant yet, I suppose to us all, quite intriguing sexual pastimes. As a group, I think we were pretty much confident that none of us engaged in any of those activities, and breathing a sigh of relief, we all looked ahead to a full inheritance of the kingdom thingy. Unfortunately, our momentary complacency was shattered to pieces when the publication went on to warn us of a worrying catch 22 situation. It seemed that we could be equally guilty of all of these unspeakable acts without actually having done them, a shocking discovery that was a cause of great consternation within our little group present that particular evening.

“How could that be?” we all wondered as we watched our beloved paradise earth and everlasting life slip through our fingers like K.Y. jelly. According to the book, the sexual act itself was merely the physical manifestation of our own filthy premeditated thoughts. To help clear up any doubt about this, we were counselled to consider the famous scripture that admonishes, “As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.” Apparently, this meant that the very act of thinking about what it might be like to do bad stuff was just as bad as actually doing it!

If this was the case, I thought, then the lot of us were buggered and right up to the hilt at that! I certainly had been thinking about men in all kinds of positions, as I was sure, had everyone else. We were, after all, studying it in profundity! What on earth did they expect to happen? In today’s modern world it’s widely recognised that telling someone not to think about something makes them automatically think about it. For example, if you say to someone, “Don’t think about a black man’s penis.” the first thing that will pop into their mind is that very image. Try it out on your friends; it’s a lot of fun. Knowing that now, however, makes me realise that we were all on a hiding to nowhere. We were being forced to first learn all about the terrible things that we couldn’t take part in and then we were being told not think about them.
As the meeting progressed we moved on to the chapter about self-abuse and the ramifications of the wanton spilling of seed. A quick look around the group told me that all of us were beginning to feel quite uncomfortable about the direction in which things were going. Many of the older children were noticeably squirming in their seats, cheeks aflame and heads bowed down expressly avoiding any possible eye contact with the elder leading the meeting. This, one would suppose, had to do with either the acute guilt they felt for already having abused themselves, or the acute excitement at the thought of giving it a bash as soon as they got home.
As we waded through the chapter we were given lots of practical advice on how to avoid putting ourselves in situations in which we were more likely than not to masturbate. It was recommended that we didn’t sleep on our back, for example, as the position could possibly encourage uncontrollable hand wandering. Then the totally ineffective use of cold showers was also suggested as well as having your parents strap boxing gloves to your hands before going to bed. It was rumoured that although this was common practice, many of us, in desperation, had learned to do it with our feet.
Sharing a room was a further recommendation, allowing us the opportunity to engage in some uplifting Christian conversation if ever the mood to crack one off the wrist were to come upon us in the night. One other suggestion was that, if we really couldn’t control our urges, then it would be best for us to get married! In essence, then, the advice to us youngsters was that if we were so desperate for a shag that we had become a persistent willy wanker, then all we had to do was throw ourselves headlong into wedlock. Sound advice, don’t you think?

1. When I asked my Dad if I could go to university he said, “No way son, you’re going to get a proper job.” I was so upset by that that, just to spite him, I became a civil servant.
2. Adulterers were those who shagged around whilst being married.
3. Fornicators were unmarried people who just shagged in general.
4. These were men who laid men.
5. This was a mutual agreement where chickens laid eggs and men laid chickens.


  1. Michael Spengler10 June 2010 at 14:25

    Brilliantly written and so true.

    I really burst out laughing..

    and yes ,with all those "porneia" and "the whore" things we grew up with I was a "virgin in knowledge" what that really was, till I was about 16...

  2. G'day and welcome Douglas ...

    Sometimes humour is a great way to conquer issues from the past. Loved this bit ...

    We children loved the inclement weather because it gave us a genuine reason for wearing our hoods up, hiding our true identity from anyone who might have recognised us.

    Living in Australia ... we didn't have the same inclement weather as you and I know when I was younger ... hoodie tops weren't around. How useful they would have been! Good luck with your book.
    By Andria from forum:

  3. Hi Douglas and welcome!! I'm at work at the moment and shouldn't really be on here (but I AM wicked ) just pissed myself laughing at your anecdotes, it's so good to see that you can look back..not in anger (which most of us have every rite to do)..but a delicious and humerous's all so silly isn't it!!! Hope you keep posting..btw, where can we purchase your book???

    Scottish Sue
    From forum

  4. Hello and welcome Douglas. I loved the bits of your book I read and I want to buy it. As a Brit myself, and a little older than you, I can put myself in your place as I read.
    My mother kept asking what I was laughing at, she too is an ex- and will enjoy reading your book.
    My very best wishes
    From forum

  5. WELL ! I LOVED IT! I do hope it will be published and on the shelves soon. It is funny as hell and I can't wait to read the whole thing. After that, I can't wait to buy each of my five kids one.
    Andria is right, homour is a good way of dealing with difficult things, something I have had a hard time doing in my healing process. I rather think every ex witness should give a go at writing a book about their own experiences or their viewpoints on the matter. I am sure it would be good therapy indeed.
    Please do keep us up to date on the progress of your getting it published, etc.....and GOOD LUCK!!!
    From forum

  6. The excerpts from your book are awesome!

    From forum

  7. I would definitely read it. It sounds interesting and I can certainly relate to it.

    From Freebird


  8. I've had a less than perfect day today - but that was all forgotten when I read the excerpts from your book. This is real "laugh-out-loud" stuff - and I did.
    Good luck with having it published!

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  10. So funny, well written, and very, very, true.

    The witnesses had a way of putting thoughts into your head that you weren't supposed to think about, even though I would never think about them in the first place until they mentioned it. Now I know why my mother came into my room at night and said I must lie on my side.

  11. I really enjoyed reading the samples on your blog. It brings back such memories!

    All the best with your book.



  12. Very funny observations - so many memories



  13. Well, you had me laughing out loud. God, when I think about what I did to my kids it makes me want to poke my eyes out.

    How does one go about ordering a copy in the U.S.?


  14. LOL. Great Stuff!



  15. LMAO!! I remember that I was about 12 when I started to masturbate, not realizing that my self pleasure was what they were speaking of as evil.

    Sometimes some of the racier or sicker stories in the Awake only fueled the fodder of my obviously twisted mind, like the horrid stories about Malawi, where they graphically described the sexual torture of the JWs there...why such detail?

    When it finally dawned on me to connect my private fun time to the word masturbation, I was horrified at first, then cognitive dissonance kicked in and I thought, "heck they got this one wrong, as Joe Hoe Bah made this so fun to do and it isn't hurting anyone."

    That was the beginning of the end of my faith, along with reading George Orwells 1984 that same year...

    Naughty naughty girl...


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